I was walking the back way through our quaint and ever so slightly bougie little village to the run of the mill coffee shop, fetching a box of mint tea.
On my way back while strolling the sidewalk, I waited for a vehicle to pull out of the parking lot, stepping aside such they could gauge the oddly timed traffic flow.
I’m happy to do this often, as is my nature, even though I technically have the right-of-way. This time was ever so slightly different, as it was more than solely a preference for others.
There was a tinge of feeling “less than”. And then, in my being I sensed a phrase of “you are worth waiting for”.
It stopped me in my tracks. Where else does this show up in my life? Everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. At home, at work, at play, at church or any group or meeting, or not, there was no place it was not.
While it is tempting to say, I’m just being courteous and pious, and I do and can be, and innately am incredibly mindful of, habitual even, of giving preference to others. I give squirrels and nature the right of way, quite happily.
I also realized there were cases where it was not from a place of plenty, but from a place of less than. It wasn’t solely meekness, of which there was a morsel, but also of a place of dare I say rejection or in a lack of worth or value in some sense.
Being kid #4 I always seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I was here they wanted me there, if I was there, they wanted me here. I didn’t get a voice or an opinion never mind an option of preference.
On the rare occasions I did, I froze like a dear in the headlights because I didn’t know my own likes or dislikes because I wasn’t given the space or opportunity to enjoy and discover them. Tote the party line, do as your told, follow in tow. The type of person who would freeze at a drive through window, I’d have to rehearse multiple times over my order prior to getting to the speaker box.
It was an interesting “notice” about myself, and how I showed up in the world. I had some choices. Am I going to give myself grace, and be grateful for the fact I noticed it was brought to my attention? Yes.
Do I have malice towards how I grew up that shaped me to this revelation? At this point, no, I have come to terms with it. Am I going to take any next steps? I think so, yes. I acknowledge I get a voice, and that voice is as valid as anyone else’s.
We are all children of God and there are times to give preference and a time to speak up. Granted many speak more than they should. Others not enough. But it’s not about verbalization, specifically, that is the mid-result.
Its about being ground and centered. Claiming our spiritual space in this world. People matter, and I am a people, just as much as other people. It’s about value, not about rights, not about what someone deserves or doesn’t deserve, those are judgement words. Deserve. Is a judgment word. Value does not have judgement. Value just is. Value is a state of being, not at state of doing. Deserve is based on a state of doing.
Value is … I care about you enough to want to know your preferences. I value you because you are a part of our community. And it’s nice for people to contribute to a community and it would behoove themselves and others to do so, but everyone has something to offer, even if they don’t have something to offer. Their presence is their present, showing up and making the effort to partake.
You don’t force someone to value you. You just need to walk in it yourself, and sometimes make requests. In my case, the next day my spouse and I were heading out and he mentioned he would wait in the car. I had a couple things to do, like use the facilities and so I asked him if he could kindly wait on the sofa or the hall bench, such that I didn’t feel rushed.
It was a value of mine not to feel rushed. I’m not a tardy individual, but I don’t like to be pushed, and him waiting in the car would bring back memories of my childhood. Sure healing is in the works on those, but in this case he could facilitate that healing by showing me some grace, kindness and mercy, a show of support, such that in real time I can have good memories to refer back to in my mental database until such time it becomes resolved in my soul.
I had a brief exchange with him in the car about it such that he could understand the context in which we are sojourning, to which he was understanding and receptive. This wasn’t always in our marriage, in fact for multiple decades it was quite the opposite, but we are here now, things and people change (both of us), and I am incredibly grateful for it.
I will inevitably give way, as that is my preference the majority of the time for others, I need not be first. I also know that it is more than acceptable, even expected and ultimately celebrated if I choose to partake in having a voice whether in action, deed or spoken.
Although there are considerations of timing, tone, self control and other factors, whether other people are in agreement or not, my existence is of value as well and I can still chime in, place my vote, and claim my presence in this realm.
We all have a unique destiny, and mine is here on this earth at this time in history. I have claim to be here, in fact it was pre-ordained by the un-created one, Almighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, Ruler of the Universes. I’m going to respect that He knows what He’s doing by having me here at this time and age. He not only thought I was worth waiting for, but also worth dying for.
You too, by the way, His gift is available for all of us. We are all uniquely and wonderfully made should we choose to step into discovering it with Him, and then sharing it with the world by showing up.
A page from my “Morning Writing” routine
Sylvia Fox Bevan
Tuesday April 15 2025
